I did it again. The strange thing is I did it almost a year to the day after the first time. I read the article. Why? Damned if I know.
That's a lie. I know why. Other than a strange need to torture myself I have been thinking a lot lately about my puppers. Kahlua is getting old. I'm not sure how old and that is what worries me.
To explain, there is this article:
I found this article last year. I still think about it to this day. So much so I even found it again and reread it. It struck a chord with me in a very deep way. That sounds extremely cliche but it's the truth. I have always been a dog lover. Animal lover really. I am one of those people he mentions in the article that barely blinks an eye at widespread human devastation but loses their mind when the story is of one defenseless animal being mistreated. (I partially believe this is due to the human brain's inability to comprehend such large scale disasters such as an earthquake or genocide while it can wrap itself around a small situation including one or a few persons and an animal. But that is a subject for another post.) This article explains exactly how I feel about my pets. Pets that I will continue to acquire as time goes on and they grow old and pass on.
What surprised me is when Lizzie, my childhood puppers, died. I was a wreck that evening. But the next day, when I went to mourn her, I couldn't. Not that I didn't love her and I was still sad about not having her around. But I had shed my tears for her. Of course now I'm sitting here thinking of that night and how sad I was I'm about to shed some more. I guess it comes down to realizing that while we love them, they are still dogs. They have personalities that we augment with projected personalities. A friend once told me, "You're not a true dog person if you talk to your dog. You're a true dog person if you speak FOR your dog." But that is all. It is a sad realization but a true one. That doesn't change the fact that we love these animals. My wife and I take in pets not only for our own benefit, we also do it for their benefit as well. We give them good lives and in return they love us, entertain us, comfort us, and just make us feel good. When they have to leave us we mourn them and we will never forget them. They make us happy and for that I'm eternally grateful.
What scares me is that Kahlua has helped me through some rough times. She was with me for some of the most difficult times in my life so far. While I loved Lizzie and she was there for me she wasn't there to comfort me the way Lua was. I had parents and siblings. While Lizzie was just there for me to pet. Lua was the one I came home to when I lived alone. After the beers had been consumed and my friends had done their best to help me, Lua was the one who jumped on my bed and nuzzled me. She was the one who pawed at my knee when I stopped petting her. Almost like she knew that petting her made me feel better. (I know better, she just wanted to be petted, but that doesn't change the fact it made me feel better.) To know I was needed so completely by this dumb creature was invaluable to me in times that I needed to be loved. Kahlua gave that to me. I'm afraid to lose her too soon. But no matter what, if she lives for fifteen more years or fifteen minutes, it will be too soon.
As I reread the article today, when I would stop because it would be too emotional for me, I couldn't escape the pictures I have plastered all over my office of my pets. And as I looked into each of their eyes I pictured them on the table as I said good-bye. Why do I do this to myself?
I guess I just need to remind myself that they won't be around forever. I should take a moment everyday to love them a little more because of it. Because someday they won't be there, it's a day I don't want to dwell on, but I don't want to forget it's there.
I've said before, Lizzie had a good long life, Kahlua is living a good long life, and 0ur new puppy Fiona is just starting her good long life, and I'm glad to have been there for all three.
I think I'm going to go home and give my puppers a hug.
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